The Lost Series
by Vardy
Summary: My version of what happens in the days following "Departure." Will have something for Stargazers, Dreamers, Candygirls, even Valentines.
1. Without You

Title:

Without You 

Disclaimer:Roswell, the characters, and situations are the property of Jason Katims and the WB – I just get to take them to the circus from time to time.No infringement is intended, so please don't sue me - I'm a poor university student.All you'll get are a bunch of debts and a couple of CDs, but if you are really offended and want to take something, you can have my goldfish.

Summary:Isabel is reflecting on her life.Takes place two days after "Departure."

Author's Note: This is the first part of my "Lost" series and is written in Isabel's POV.As always, I crave feedback.If you want more, you've got to tell me!

Distribution: Ask and ye shall receive.Just tell me where it's going.

I don't know exactly when or where or how my life got so screwed up.One day, I was just a normal, everyday teenager.I went shopping with my friends, I went out on an endless parade of meaningless dates with thick-skulled guys who just wanted to get into my pants, and I hung out with my brothers. I was perfectly normal. 

Wait, no.That's not entirely true – my life was never really normal to begin with, and it got exponentially screwed up as more and more time passed.You see - I'm not like everyone else.I wasn't born; I was hatched as a six-year-old child.I'm an alien.

But my life didn't really begin the night I was born.After I got out of that pod-thing, I started wandering around in the desert.I could feel others out there, in the dark, under about a million stars.I was so cold and so scared.I didn't want to be alone.Those feelings aren't unfamiliar - even now, so many years later.That's all I ever really wanted, I guess.

And then I found him.Like me, he wasn't wearing any clothes, and he looked just as cold and miserable as I felt.But when I took his hand, everything felt right, somehow.I felt safe, even though I didn't know the meaning of the word then.

My brother and I continued to wander around aimlessly.We both knew we needed the other; we weren't complete yet, not without him, but we just didn't know where he was hiding.Then, all of a sudden, there he was, standing on a rock, as if to say, here I am, now deal with me.My second brother has always been like that, from the very beginning.I could learn something from him.

My first brother reached for him at the same time I did, and I really believe he was going to take our hand.Somehow, I guess I thought that if we were all together, we could take on the world.I guess I've never really stopped believing that.Maybe that was my first mistake.

But that's when we saw them: two perfectly round circles of light that reminded me vaguely of the stars above my head, accompanied by the roar of a car motor.But none of us knew what a car was, no more than an infant would.It was just this big, scary thing.And in that moment, I lost my second brother.He was just too scared to take our hands.

The car stopped, and two people got out.They picked up my first brother and me, wrapped us in warm blankets, and tucked us into the big machine.The woman crooned over us in a language we didn't understand yet, while I twisted in the seat to try to see him one last time.But I couldn't see him in the dark, and I started to cry.

Crying has always been the ultimate form of release for me, whether I'm happy, sad, or angry.Some people scream, or pound their hands on the walls, or indulge in vices like smoking and eating, or even curse the fates.But not me.I cry.I cried every night for three years until I found him again, my other brother.My first brother could never quite seem to make it better for me, no matter how hard he tried.I needed both of them.I just kept picturing him how we left him: cold, scared, lost and alone.I was barely alive and I already knew that that was the worst feeling on earth.I vowed I would never feel that way again. 

Boy, was I ever wrong.

The people in the car took us to their home.They dressed us in t-shirts that we tripped over and they fed us strange food and they tucked us into a warm bed and they kissed us goodnight.That was the first kiss I ever remember getting – from a beautiful blond woman who seemed like an angel to me as her lips brushed across my forehead.It felt so good.I can honestly say, now, looking back, that that moment was one of the highlights of my life.It's been a long time since I felt so safe and secure.

But the next day, some people came and took my brother and me away.I didn't want to go…I just wanted to sit on the lady's lap and touch her golden hair, or have the man pick me up and carry me up to bed, the way he did the night before.But of course, I didn't have a choice, and even if they had given me one, I wouldn't have been able to articulate my wishes.So, I just held tight to my brother's hand.I still believed that he could protect me.He couldn't even protect himself, let alone me.He was just as lost as I was.

They took us to a children's home and asked us what our names were.I looked at the woman who asked that blankly; somehow, I understood what the words meant, but I couldn't answer the question because I didn't have a name.That was absolutely terrifying, you know.The woman told us her name, just like the nice man and lady from last night had.I knew a name was important – it was your entire identity – but I was so insignificant that I didn't have one.So the woman called me Jane Doe, and they called my brother John.

A few weeks passed.I was always searching, among the other children, for my other brother, but I could never find him.I cried a lot then, except when I was with my first brother, because he held my hand, and I felt safe.One day, the nice man and lady from the first night came to see us.She was angry at the social worker that had called us Jane and John.She said that we deserved better than that.The social worker was bored and told _her_ to name us whatever she wanted, because it certainly didn't matter much to anyone.What she was really saying – and we all knew it – was that _we_ didn't matter much to anyone.

The lady looked at us for a minute, and then said that my brother's name would be Maxwell, for her father, but that we would call him Max.Her forehead crinkled as she frowned at me, and she bit her lip.She lifted me up in her lap, and her lips brushed against my forehead again."You deserve a unique name," she told me."Your brother has old eyes, like he's seen everything before.They remind me of my father's.But everything seems new to you, so you need a name of your own.I think Isabel is the most beautiful name in the world for the most beautiful little girl in the world."From then on, everyone called me Isabel, and I felt beautiful.For the first time in my short life, I felt wanted and loved.I felt like I mattered.

A week later, the man and the lady came back.The lady was wearing a bright yellow sweater, and I remember thinking that she looked like the sun.The man picked me up in his arms, and the lady kissed my cheek, and they took us home with them.They told Max and me that we would be theirs forever, that they loved us and that they would never leave us.They told us to call them Momma and Daddy, and that I had a name that would always be mine – Isabel Anna Evans.That was the day my life began, not the night I emerged from a pod in the desert.

But I couldn't help but cry at night for my missing brother.Even though I prospered during the day – I was always what my mother called a sunny child – as I learned to read and write my name and do all the things that a normal child my age should be able to do, my mother always worried over me more than Max.I could play with the kids of Mom's friends for a little while, and be totally accepted and having a lot of fun, when all of a sudden, I would remember my other brother.I would wonder if he was okay, and I would have to go and find Max, just to make sure he was near me, that he was safe.That I hadn't lost him, too.That I hadn't failed again.

I was nearly eight when we finally went to school, and no one would ever guess that I was in any way different than the other little girls in my class.But I still cried at night for my other brother, so my parents made me see the school counsellor during recess a couple of times a week.They thought I cried at night because I remembered my real parents.I wanted to tell Mom the truth, but Max made me promise not to, no matter what, because we knew early on that people wouldn't like us if we were different.Max and I could do things that other kids couldn't.I don't even know how we knew, because in the beginning, except for the time we lived at the children's home, we didn't spend that much time with other kids.We just knew, instinctively, that we were different, and that different was bad.The day that our parents brought us to the UFO museum and we saw the display of a dead alien autopsy was probably one of the most frightening moments of my life.I burst into tears, and they brought me home.I cried for days and days.I was scared that someone would do that to my brothers.

The school counsellor tried to trick me, though.She asked me a lot of questions, and if I hadn't been so scared of that alien autopsy, I probably would have just told her the truth.I was still just a little kid, after all.But I didn't tell her.I loved my brothers and my parents too much to do that.I didn't want anyone to take me away, not ever.

I still don't.

I knew that I scared my parents, though, because I heard her talking to the counsellor one day.I still remember exactly what she said.I was colouring a picture for Mom to put on the fridge, like the lady made me do every week.They thought I was totally absorbed in that, but I guess I was able to multi-task from an early age."Isabel is exhibiting clear signs of memory repression, probably because her early memories are so horrific that her psyche cannot fully process them at this point without risking permanent damage," she told my mother."She will, eventually, remember, when she is capable of understanding and processing these memories."That made me mad, because I knew I wasn't repressing anything.I had just promised Max that I would never tell.We even pinkie-swore, and you can't break a pinkie-promise.

The day we found Michael was the day I felt complete.It was like the world was tilted on its axis, and when my other brother was returned to me, it righted itself.Like I had finally found the part of myself that was lost.I felt calm, at peace, in a way, although I was still scared every minute of every day.Even more since we found Michael.I was terrified that we would lose him again.

Michael and Max tried to protect me, to shelter me from the world.Strange, isn't it?That the most outgoing of the three of us needed the most protection?But for some reason, they never thought I could handle the truth.They just told me to concentrate on blending in, being normal.They never wanted to worry me, even though they both knew I worried about them constantly.

I'm a worrier by nature, I guess.It's something I really didn't grow out of.I just learned to hide it better as time wore on.

By the time I was thirteen, I was, from all appearances, a normal teenager, albeit a very lucky one.I was blessed with clear skin and cursed with a quick-growing bust, which in turn brought about a lot of notice from all the 'right' people.The popular kids, the ones blessed with either good looks or money.The fake friends, the ones who don't see you for who you are, but instead, for what you can do for their status.I've learned, over the years, that there are very few real friends.People who want to be around you because they like you, and not what you represent or how you complement their own reputation.

The only real friends I had were Max and Michael.My brothers, the only other people on Earth like me.The people who had to accept me for who I was, like it or not.They were the only people I could be myself with, after the age of eleven or so.They were the only people that I could say anything to, and not worry that they would think I was weird.

But Max and Michael had their own little world, which I could never really be a part of.It came from years of protecting me, I guess.They got use to shutting me out.It was like they had their own little boy's club, and I couldn't join because I lacked a Y-chromosome.

So I got use to putting on the act in front of them, too, and in time, they almost forgot the girl I used to be.Hell, I almost forgot.The act of hiding who I really was - what I really thought or felt - from the world became close to perfect.Max and Michael - they think they know me, better than anyone else.But they really don't know me at all.No one does.

My parents saw the change in me, even if my brothers, wrapped up in their own problems, didn't.I heard Daddy tell Mom once that he felt like he'd lost his little girl.Mom told him that I was still in there, somewhere, and that he'd see me again, but not for a long, long time.Not until I figured out who I wanted to be.I hope she's right.I'd like to see the girl I used to be again.I'd like to ask her why she left.I miss her.

So I took the only avenue available to me, and I played the role to perfection, to the point where even I believed it.The beautiful, popular, homecoming queen who hated her friends and her life.The girl who screamed inside because no one saw who she really was.

Sad as it sounds, those were the good old days.

Then my life left normal and did a nose-dive into insane.Suddenly, the sheriff, the FBI, and evil enemy aliens with a severe case of dandruff are after us, all because my brother fell in love.

All my life, Max and Michael warned me not to get involved.Not to tell anyone our secret, that Mom and Daddy wouldn't love us if they knew the truth.Then Max goes and throws our rules out the window, and we all pay the price.

Sure, there were benefits.Alex, Liz, Maria, Kyle, even the sheriff, eventually.People who didn't run, screaming in horror, once they learned the truth…at least not after they had time to process it all.But I knew that my life would never be the same again.

And it hasn't been.I got someone who would listen to me, the real me.The person I haven't been in years, not since Max and Michael and I were little.Someone who loved me, not despite what I am, but because of who I am.Alex.

The guy who broke down all my defences.Who got under my skin.Who made me need him, want him, love him, more than anything else on this planet – something I swore I would never do.

I said before that the first time in my life that I felt complete was the day we got Michael back.I found out, later, that that wasn't exactly true.There was still a piece of me that was lost, missing.I just didn't know it yet.The day I really felt complete was the day I kissed the man I loved and let him into my heart.

He completes me.He's my other half.He's what I've been missing all my life, but I didn't even know anything was missing until I kissed him.

I didn't want to need him.I didn't want to love him.I tried to fight it, I really did, but eventually I gave in to what we both knew was inevitable.We were meant to be, no matter how hard I fought it.Only neither of us knew that we didn't have a lifetime to spend together.

And now he's gone, too.Because of us.Because we let Tess in. 

Tess.My best friend.The girl who taught us more about our alien heritage than we ever dreamed possible.

Knowledge had a price, and it was far too steep.I got to see my birth mother, but I had to listen to her tell me about a destiny I didn't want or need.I got to find out who I was in my previous life, but I learned I was evil personified and was responsible for the deaths of my entire family and the destruction of my world.And I got to love, but he was stolen from me, far too soon.

I'm lost again.I don't know what to do, where to turn.

I haven't spoken since we discovered the truth, two days ago, and I'm having trouble figuring out what is real and what isn't.I've stopped trying to distinguish between the two, because when I just accept the confusion, Alex comes to me.

But eventually, he leaves again, and I cry.

I cry for him, for me, for the life we will never live, for the children we will never have.I see them, sometimes, a little boy with his father's hair and my eyes, and a little girl with my hair and her father's smile.Children I will never know, never love.I mourn for them, even though I don't know their names.I mourn for a future without Alex.

I'm crying now.Hot, stinging tears that run down my face and drip off my chin.I don't know who I am.Not without Alex.Not without him.I'm lost.

From now on, I'll make a career out of running for my life, because if I don't keep moving, keep going forward, I know I'll lose my will to move at all.I've already lost my identity, if I ever really knew it to begin with.

Sometimes, over the last few days, I've had trouble remembering my own name.Sometimes, I've had trouble remembering what's a lie and what's the truth.What's real and what isn't.

I've forgotten who I am, if I ever knew to begin with.Am I Isabel Anna Evans, beloved daughter of Philip and Diane Evans, sister of Max and Michael?Am I Izzy, troubled soul, abandoned alien?Am I Iz, murderer of Skins and boyfriends?Am I Vilandra, betrayer of her family and her planet?Am I Lonnie, who will betray them again?Am I the girl who loves her dead boyfriend more than her own life and plots ways to hurt her best friend, the one who killed him?

I just don't know.I don't know anything anymore.

The one thing that I do know is that, once upon a time, there was a girl who loved a boy, and she liked who she was when she loved him.

The only problem is, the boy is gone, and he took that girl with him.She can't exist without him.

And I'm more lost than I was before.


	2. Angel in my Arms

I watch her as she sleeps

Angel In My Arms 

** **

Disclaimer:Roswell and the characters aren't mine.They belong to Jason Katims, Melinda Metz, the WB and the UPN.

Author's Note:This is part two of the 'Lost' series.It takes place two days after "Departure."This is written in Max's POV.And, as always, I LOVE feedback.

I watch her as she sleeps.

I don't deserve her, I know.After all I've said, after all I've done, I shouldn't be allowed to be in the presence of this angel.

But I am.And because of it, I am the luckiest man on Earth.

I've hurt her, more than any man has any right to hurt a woman.I've betrayed her, in the worst possible way.I don't have any defence, and I don't offer any.There is no excuse for all that I've said and done.

She looks so peaceful, as I imagine she did as a little girl.Long before she knew me.Long before I broke her heart, time and time again.

I offer no excuses, but I do offer promises.

I will never again hurt her.If I do nothing else worthwhile in my life, at least I will know that I will never again be responsible for her tears.I swear I will make her happy, if it is the last thing I ever do.I swear I will give her the life she deserves.I swear that I will love her, with all my heart and soul, until I take my dying breath – and then some.

With all the things I've said and done in this life, I have somehow managed to make an angel love me.I don't know how, or why, but I won't question it.Not anymore.Not ever again.I will simply love her with every fibre of my being.

She smiles a little in her sleep.I wonder what she is dreaming.I hope they are happy dreams.

I want to make all her dreams come true.

She doesn't entirely trust me yet, I know.I shattered her absolute trust in me when I so callously trampled on her heart.Yet here I am, and I don't know why.

Maybe the fates have seen that she is my everything.My reason for being.My reason for getting out of bed each morning and facing the day.She is my life.

My love for her consumes me.It drives me.When I thought I had lost her, I nearly lost my sanity.I didn't understand why - not then, and not now – but nothing else matters anymore.Only her.

Her beautiful, silky hair flows over my chest like a waterfall.There was a time that I thought I would never again be able to run my fingers through her hair.I tortured myself, every day and every night, with the thought of her hair.With the thought that I would never again be permitted to stroke these soft tresses.

I tortured myself with the thought of her skin.So soft and delicate.She is so tiny, so fragile, but with a hidden strength.I've put the weight of the world on her shoulders.Any other woman would have been destroyed.

But not her.She persevered, and carried on.Hell, she even prospered, without me.

She doesn't need me.Not the way I need her.She can go on without me.She's proven that already.But I can't.I won't, not again.Not ever again.

I need her more than the air I breathe.More than the food I eat and the water I drink.If I ever lose her again, I will die.

I've loved her since the first moment I saw her. 

How could I ever convince myself that I could exist without her by my side, in my heart, in my bed?

Her fingers are intertwined with mine.She smiled at me, just before she fell asleep, and said she wasn't ever going to let me go, not even in sleep.And then she threaded her delicate fingers through mine.

Those hands.Those tiny little hands.Hands I've dreamed about during the endless nights I've spent away from her.Hands that gently stroked my face as she kissed me.Hands that deftly performed tasks as she went about her day.Someone once told me that hands never lie, not like faces.Faces can be disguised, although she does have the most beautiful face I've ever seen.But hands – hands reveal a person's true nature.Her hands are soft and gentle, but belie an inner strength.She is always rubbing lotion on her hands, but not even this small attempt at vanity can completely eradicate the many hours of work she does each day.

She is goodness and light.She is my hope, my dream, and my destiny.She is, and no one else, no matter what.

I lost her once because I doubted her.I doubted the purity of our love.I will never do that again, destiny or no.I choose my own destiny, and I choose her.She is my destiny.

She cried, tonight, for hours.Cried for lost time, for a lost friend, for a lost innocence.I hurt her, badly, when I lost sight of my heart.

A wise person once told her to follow her heart.I thought, at the time, that it was the best piece of advice I've ever heard, and I've tried to do that.But my head got in the way.A head filled with self-doubt and a fierce desire to protect her at all cost, even if the thing I was protecting her from was myself.

She is my heart, but I lost sight of that this year.I lost sight of the love that shines in her beautiful eyes every time she looks at me. 

I never stopped loving her, not for a second.But I somehow stopped fighting.

I never gave up on her, on us.But somehow, I lost my faith.

I stopped seeing her.I stopped seeing anything but that woman.That woman who made it her life's work to destroy everything that was good and pure in my world.That woman who nearly destroyed the love of my life, my soul mate, like she destroyed the love of my sister's life.

I don't know if she'll ever recover.Isabel is a strong woman, like my Liz, but this may be more even than she can handle, and she's already had to deal with far too much.She hasn't spoken in the two days since Liz discovered the truth.Not since she asked me what we should do next.

How should I know?I'm the leader.But that doesn't mean that I know the answers, or that I ever will.

Tess was right, about one thing, at least.I'm not Zan, not anymore.I'm not a king, not yet.I'm just a boy.And that's okay.

I don't want to be a king.I want to have my own life.I want to live my life loving and laughing with the woman sleeping in my arms.I want to hold her every night for the rest of my life.I want to marry her.I want to have children with her.I want to grow old with her.

I don't know if that's possible, but I will fight for our love with my dying breath.I have a mission, a mission that will include her - however dangerous it may be – because she is a part of this now.She has been, ever since the beginning.She made her choice, nearly two years ago.She tried to make me understand.She tried to make me see, but I was too blind, too stubborn.

Not anymore.I know the truth.

The four-square can never be.Not here, and not now.Maybe in that life, it was possible, but we are not those people.We will do what is expected.We will do whatever is necessary to save our planet.But we won't sacrifice our lives, our happiness, for that.We deserve much more.We deserve love.

Isabel has lost that love, far too soon.Before it ever had a chance to grow and develop and prosper.But I hope that she will love another, eventually.I hope that she will learn to smile again, learn to laugh, learn to love.But right now, she is lost.

Michael has found his love.My brother has found a little pixie girl who has taken up permanent residence in his heart and has become his home.

Just as I have found the woman of my dreams.I told her once that she was my dream girl.She's not a girl, not anymore.She grew up, far too fast and much too harsh, over the past year.Her eyes lost the sheen of innocence that was there, before she loved me.That is my fault, I know.But I also know that if I said those words aloud, she would deny it at first, and if I insisted, she would say she is happy about it.So I won't say anything.It will just be yet another sin I need to atone for.

There are too many sins already.Too many hurts that I've caused her, my sister, and my friends…all because that woman told me I was king.That I was the leader, and that whatever I said or did was right.

It wasn't right.Very little of this past year was right.The only thing that was right was keeping this beautiful angel in my life.

I feel like I've been lost ever since we discovered our destiny.I've been lost, and even I don't like the person who was left in my place.He hurt everyone I loved.And so I've been searching for myself, ever since she told me the truth.Searching for the person I used to be, the person I want to be again.The person she loves.I hope I can find him again.Having her in my arms has done more to bring him back than I ever thought possible.

I can hear Isabel crying softly in the next room, and my heart breaks for her.I feel so guilty that I have my angel in my arms, and yet she is without the man she loves.It's hardly fair. And it's all because of Tess.

I know I'll have to work to regain my angel's trust.I'll have to work to get my sister's friendship back.I'll have to work to find the person I was, the person I want to be again.And I'll have to work to find my son, to protect him, to love him the way a child should be loved, the way my parents loved me.

But I'll do all that.With my angel at my side, I know we can do anything.


	3. No Matter What

No Matter What

No Matter What 

Disclaimer:Nope, they're not mine.If they were, I'd be sitting in the Caribbean, sipping margaritas, and basking in the sun, not staring out my window at the rain.So please don't sue me.I'm a poor university student, and trust me - it won't be worth the effort.

Author's Note:This is part three of the "Lost" series, and is written from Liz's POV (my first attempt at climbing in her head and camping out, so forgive me if it's a little shaky).**Please, please, please give me feedback – I want it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.If you want more, tell me!**

Distribution:Ask, and ye shall receive – just let me know where it's going!

He thinks he has to regain my trust.That he has to make up for the last year.That he has to atone for _her_ sins.

He doesn't.

All he has to do is love me, like I love him.That's all I want.That's all I've ever wanted.

I never stopped loving him, no matter how much he hurt me when he was with _her_.And no matter how mad I am at him for sleeping with _her_, I will always forgive him.

Because he will always forgive me.Because I love him.Because I want to spend my life wrapped in his arms.Because I want his face to be the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see at night.

I spent last night in his bed.We just slept - I'm not ready to do anything else, not yet - but I didn't want to be alone.His parents were out of town, so as soon as my parents went to sleep, I was out my window and into his arms.

It hurts, so much, that his first time was with _her_.That _she's_ pregnant with his baby.

I always thought our first times would be with each other.And I always thought I would be the only woman to have his child.

I don't hate the baby.I'm going to help him get his son back, because I know he won't find peace until he knows his child is safe and loved.And when that child is here with us, I'm going to be his mother.

Max asked me that, late last night, just before I fell asleep in his arms.He asked me if I would be the mother of his child with _her_.And I said yes.

No matter how much I hate the mother, I know I will love the child.No matter what.Because the baby is a part of Max, and, I have to believe, the best part of _her_, too.No one can be pure evil, although _she_ does come close.

But the baby is innocent.I'll teach him all about right and wrong, something his mother obviously never learned.And I'm going to love him just as much as I love his father.Just as much as I would if he was my own.

When I told Maria this morning, she asked me why.Why I would agree to love _her_ child, after all _she's_ done.Why I would forgive him, let him back into my life, after all the hurt and pain he's caused me.

What Maria doesn't understand that Max wasn't responsible for all that pain, not really.I hurt him, too.And any pain he's caused me is nothing compared to all the pain _she's_ caused everyone.

I smiled at her."Why do you love Michael?" 

"Because he's…Michael," she replied, shrugging helplessly.She can't explain love any more than I can.

"You can't live without him, Maria.You know that.And I can't live without Max," I said firmly."I can love his child, because it's a part of him.I love Max, no matter what."

And that's the truth.I will love him, no matter what he's done.I know he feels lost right now.So do I.

Everything I've ever known has been tossed upside down.My world's spun out of control, and I'm left to pick up the pieces and put them back together again, but I don't know how.My best friend is dead, murdered by the woman who tried to steal the love of my life away.Alex's girlfriend hasn't spoken in three days, and just stares at the wall and cries.And the love of my life is torn in half, trying to remember who he was before _she_ brainwashed him, who he was when he loved me, while at the same time, trying to take care of the rest of us.

_She_ called me a bitch._She_ asked him why he couldn't love _her_ like he loves me.

Doesn't _she_ know?Doesn't _she_ understand?

Max and I – we fit.We belong.I feel like he's what I've been missing all my life, even when I didn't know I was missing anything.Like he's my other half.We complete each other, compliment each other.Without him, I'm not whole.I'm only half a person.

I understand what Isabel's going through right now, maybe more than anyone else, and my heart goes out to her.We've never been great friends, but she is the woman my best friend chose to love.If she and Alex felt even one-tenth of what I feel for Max, I know she's going through hell on earth.I know, because I endured it over these last few months.

You know that old saying?That whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger?I used to think that was a load of bull.

Then I lived through this last year.When I left Max last May, after I found out he was destined to be with _her_, I wanted to die.I very nearly willed my heart to stop beating because I couldn't be with him, because he had to be with _her_ and not me.But I didn't, because I had too much to live for.Too much I still had to do.And I kept going on because I still loved him, even though I knew we could never be together, no matter how much it hurt to see him and not be with him.

And when I met Max from the future, I almost gave up again.I did what I had to do, I will make no apologies for that, but I guess Future Max was on an acid trip or something.Because there is no way that having a traitor, a murderer like _her_ around would ever help Max or anyone else, four-square be damned.I'll fight beside him, and so will Maria and Kyle and the Sheriff, if it comes to that.I have to believe that our love will be even stronger that anything some evil aliens can throw at us.

Now I know that I'm stronger than I ever thought possible.I've lost love and regained it.I've given the man I love to his betrayer and I've saved him from _her _clutches.I've lost my best friend and solved his murder.

I'm tired.

Completely, fundamentally, bone-weary tired.

And I'm scared.

Why now?I have everything I've ever wanted, right?Even though Alex isn't with us, not anymore, because of _her_, I still love him, and I know he's still watching out for me.Me, Alex and Maria - the three musketeers are forever, no matter what.And I have Max, the only man I've ever wanted.

But in the last year, I've lost something precious.I've lost the person I used to be, the person I liked.I don't always like the girl I see in the mirror lately.

That girl looks like me, but I don't recognize her.The person I used to be, the person Max loves, would never say some of the hateful things I've said lately.I will never forgive myself for accusing Max and Isabel and Michael at Alex's funeral.They weren't responsible._She_ was, not them.And I'm not sure Max or Isabel will ever really get over the hurt I caused them.

Sure, I owed it to Alex to find out the truth.And I'm glad I did.I will never regret that.

But they were dealing with enough pain of their own.I never meant it to sound like I was saying they killed him.I know they didn't; I've always known it.

_She_ did, though._She_ killed my best friend._She _tried to kill the man I love.And _she_ tried to steal him from me forever.

With Max, by my side, I know I can do anything.I'm going to try to find my way back.Back to the person I used to be.And I'm going to help him find the Max he used to be before _she_ came into our lives.

Last night, while I was sleeping, I had a dream.At least, I think it was a dream – it seemed so real.Grandma Claudia and Alex were sitting beside me.We were on my balcony, and above us, millions of stars were twinkling down on us.

"Liz, you forgot what I told you," Grandma Claudia told me as she stroked my hair.I must have looked confused, so she continued."Follow you heart, darling.You forgot to do that.Trust your heart, Liz, and trust Max."

"I do, Grandma…it's just hard."

"But it's worth everything, in the end," Alex said softly.He gazed up at the stars with a little smile on his face."I loved Isabel more than anything in this world.And in the end, I know she loved me, too, because she finally learned to trust her heart.I can't be with her right now, but I watch over her.Dying doesn't mean you stop loving, Liz."

"Alex…I'm so sorry for what Tess did to you.I miss you so much, both of you."

Alex smiled brilliantly at me then."I miss you to, but I'm never far away.I'm always with Izzy, watching over her, taking care of her.If you miss me, find her, and I'll be there, too."His face turned serious."I have to go, Liz, but before I do, I need you to promise me two things."

"Anything, Alex."

"I need you to look after Isabel for me, and tell her I love her.Make her move on.Make her start to smile again.Please?"

"I will."

"And I need you to promise me that you'll do the same.Don't hate Tess, not even for what she did to me.Let Max back into your heart, and face the future together, no matter what happens.Can you do that?"

"Yeah.I love you, Alex."

"I love you, too, Liz.Tell Maria I loved her, too.And tell Max and Michael that I'll haunt them if they don't take care of my girls.Bye, Liz."

Then he disappeared, leaving me alone with Grandma Claudia."Honey Bear, I know it's hard.Remember when I told you that every relationship didn't have to be the be-all, end-all?Well, you and Max _are_ the be-all, end-all.He's your soul mate, and you're lucky to find him this early.I love you, Honey Bear."

"I love you, too, Grandma," I whispered as she faded away.

And then I woke up in Max's arms.He was still asleep, and it was still dark outside.I knew I should leave, but I just had to watch him a little longer.

He looked so young while he slept this morning.So peaceful.Like he'd finally let go of the stress he'd been carrying as leader. 

I made a vow, then and there.Max wasn't going to carry the weight of two worlds by himself, not anymore.I was going to help him.

And in that moment, I began to follow my heart.It led me back to him.

We may never have our Vegas wedding, and to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want one.We aren't going to follow the paths laid out for us by Future Max.I've already altered the future, for better or for worse, and I can't change that.

But we can follow our own path, follow our hearts, no matter what.Because I know our hearts will lead us back to each other.

And if we're together, we won't be so lost.


	4. Coming Home

Is it horribly wrong to be so blissfully happy when some of your best friends are miserable

Coming Home 

** **

Disclaimer:Not mine.I own zip, nil, nada.So don't sue me.

Author's Note: Part four of the 'Lost' series.Maria's POV - it's my first time trying to figure her out, so let me know if you disagree with my interpretation.And as always, I'm begging for feedback – I want the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Is it horribly wrong to be so blissfully happy when some of your best friends are absolutely miserable?

Because I am.Blissfully happy, that is.

Michael chose me.He could've gone home, and he chose to stay with me.

He told me that I was his home.And he is mine.

For most of my life, I've been lost.I mean, who was I, really?As a little kid, it seemed glaringly obvious that no one wanted me.After all, my dad dumped my mom and me and never looked back, and my mom screwed up her life when she had me.She wasn't much more than a kid herself.

My earliest memory isn't very nice.I must've been about three, and I was huddled in my closet with my dog, crying.It was late at night, and I had just woken up from a nightmare.I wanted my mommy and daddy to come in and sing to me until I fell asleep again.But they were busy.My parents were screaming at each other, and I think maybe they threw some dishes at the wall.The thing I remember most about that night, though, was feeling like I didn't matter.That I was lost, even in my own room in my own house.

That feeling persisted, although it got better over time, especially with Lizzie's help.I love her, even though I envied her, back then.She had everything I ever wanted.A mommy who was there when she came home and gave her warm cookies and milk as an after-school snack.A daddy who called her princess and gave her hugs and kisses each night before bed.

To Liz, it didn't matter if I was different.It didn't matter if I wore second-hand clothes or if my mother dated half the men in Roswell.

It didn't matter because she loved me.When I was with Liz, it was the first real home I ever had.Even though my mom tried really hard, it just wasn't enough, back then.I know she loved me, and still does, but she was far too young to be the kind of mom I needed.

So, Liz became my best friend, and her family became my substitute parents.

In time, Alex was added to our group, and I got a brother.The kind of brother who would stand up to schoolyard bullies for me, even though he knew full well that they could turn him into a human pretzel.The kind of brother who listens to my problems and cheers me up when I'm sad.The kind of brother who would punch out my boyfriend if he's being an ass.

And I thought my family was complete.I thought I'd found my niche in the world.

I was kooky Maria, Liz Parker's wacky sidekick.I was ditzy Maria, the lead singer in Alex Whitman's band.I was nutty Maria, daughter of Amy Deluca, who wore antenna to work while mom sold "George Bush is an alien' t-shirts.And to tell you the truth, I was perfectly happy with the way things were – or so I thought.

Then I met Michael, and I fell in love.I came home.And I realized that I didn't know myself as well as I thought.

The only thing I do know is that I love him.

Yesterday, in between delivering Alien Omelettes and pouring coffee, Liz told me that she and Max were back together.She was glowing when she said it, and I was happy for her, naturally, but a little scared, too.I've spent too many nights with her, armed with a box of tissues and a tub of ice cream.I don't want to do it again.I don't want to see her cry anymore.And it seemed odd to me that the two most cautious people I know would get back together so quickly, especially considering that he'd gotten that she-devil pregnant just a couple of days ago, so I said something, of course.I'm nothing if I'm not forthright.

Liz gave me this little smile and asked me why I love Michael.I thought for a minute, and realized I couldn't answer her.There aren't enough words to describe everything I love about him.So I told her I loved him because he was Michael.

Then she said that she loves Max the same way, and I grinned at her and told her I was happy for her.I am.I know she still has to learn to trust him again – after all, he _did _sleep with the she-devil without even considering how much it would hurt Lizzie – but I think they'll be okay.

Isabel and Kyle?That's another story altogether.

After we got off work, Michael and I headed over to Max's.Apparently, we were summoned.I love girlfriend, but he's got to get the sequoia out of his ass and stop ordering us around.But anyway, that's kinda off topic.

Isabel just sat in their living room, staring at the wall and crying the whole time we were there.Liz whispered to me that she's been like that for four days, and hasn't even eaten anything, as far as anyone knows.

And Kyle?The poor guy has a permanent deer-in-the-headlights look on his face.He talks, but in this scary monotone, and only when absolutely necessary.And his eyes look empty.That's scarier than anything else.It's like someone sucked the life out of him.

I hate the she-devil for doing that to them.

I tried to shake Isabel out of it, but she didn't even blink when I screamed at her, even though I was only, like, two inches from her face.Cypress oil didn't even help.Michael pulled me away and told me that she'd come out of it when she was good and ready._He_ thinks she's making her peace with Alex._I _think she's moping, and a pint of ice cream and some sad music and a few tearjerker movies would do her some good.It would sure help the rest of us that have to live with her.

I know she misses Alex.I do, too, and I always will.It's like I lost a part of myself when he died, and I don't think I'll ever get it back.I hate that the little she-devil got away with killing someone as wonderful as Alex.I hate her for killing him, period.

After he died, I felt like I was walking through a fog.I felt so lost and alone, so out of touch, like there was nothing and no one that I could count on.If Alex could die, who was going to be next?My Mom?Liz?_Michael? _Was anyone safe?

And then Michael came back to me.He found me and brought me out of the dark place where I was living.He picked me up and helped me stand on my own again.He said he couldn't promise me forever, but he could promise me today.And that's enough for me.

I snuck out of my room tonight, and Michael was waiting for me.We went to his place – _our place_ – and made love.

Ever since he came home to me, I don't want to leave his side, not even for a moment.

When he let me see the real Michael, when he let me see the flashes, I felt everything he felt.I saw everything he saw.And all he saw was _me_.Me.Maria DeLuca.I have never felt so loved or so protected in my life.I felt like I was coming home.

This started out to be a pretty rotten year.I mean, you've got the whole Michael's destined-to-be-with-Isabel crap, then the Skins, then the whole Courtney saga, the ongoing Max-and-Liz will they/won't they question, the evil blue flying Jello crystal killers, and Alex dying.I swear - there's enough melodrama in our lives that we could blow half the shows on television out of the water if anyone followed us around with a video camera.

But Michael – he makes it all worthwhile.I know we bicker and fight, but we love each other just as much as Max and Liz, without all of the annoying stare-into-my-eyes, I'm-your-soul-mate crap.

Although I know he is my soul mate.And everyone knows that we belong together.We just don't feel the need to advertise it by making googly-eyes at each other.

Then again, we're both passionate enough that when we're together, we ignite more sparks than a forest fire.

And the sparks?They can either take the form of raging fights we hold if we're in public, or they can be the equally raging make-out sessions we do in private.To tell the truth, I'm not sure which sparks I prefer.

We're vibrators.I admit it.But that's why we work. 

Michael - even though he's Czechoslovakian – is my other half.He makes me feel safe.He might not always be the perfect boyfriend, sure, but he's there for me when I need him, like when Alex died.He didn't leave my side for days.

He might not be the perfect boyfriend, but he's my boyfriend.He's my Spaceboy, and I wouldn't want him any other way.

When he kisses me, I feel like I'm flying.And when he gives me that special Michael look – the look he only gives me – I feel like he was the reason I was born.Like I was born to be with him, and only him.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

When he said he had to leave me, that he had to go home, I was willing to let him go.I hated it, I despised it, but I wouldn't hold him back, not ever.Finding out the truth about his past means too much for him, and no matter how much it hurt, he had to choose his own path.No matter how much I loved him.

After he kissed me goodbye and left our bed, I wandered home.I don't even remember how I got there.One minute, I was staring at the jeep pulling away, at Michael leaving me, and the next thing I knew, I was flopping down next to Liz in my house.All I wanted to do was crawl into my closet and cry, the way I did when I was a little girl.I felt like I was lost, the same way I did all those years ago when I watched my father drive away.

And then Lizzie figured out the truth.

We rushed out there, but we couldn't get inside, and I was sure I had lost him forever.I pounded on the rock, until my hands were cut and bleeding from the stones, but the only pain I felt was my heart breaking. And in those moments, when we stood outside the pod chamber and tried desperately to get their attention, I prayed that we had conceived a child in our one night together.

If I had his baby, I remember thinking, then I would always have a little piece of him with me.

And then he opened the door and he came out.He was willing to give up his dream for me.

Later, after the she-devil took off for Mars, Michael held me in his arms while I cried.I cried for Alex, for what she did to him.And I cried for us.Because in those moments that I thought we were too late, I wanted to die. 

In those moments, I knew just how much Michael meant to me.He's my whole world.

I'm not pregnant, no matter how much I wished for it when I thought he was gone.And to tell you the truth, I'm relieved.I mean, I'm not ready for a baby, and neither is Michael.And can you imagine how my mom would react?If she hits Michael with a newspaper when we just slept in the same bed, I don't want to know what she'd hit him with if she knew I was sleeping with him.I know Michael doesn't, either.And a baby would kind of be a pretty big tip-off.

We're going to do this right, this time, Michael and I.We've made so many stupid mistakes, let so many dumb things stand between us.

If anything good came from Alex's death, it's that I've learned how precious life is, and that I can't waste even a moment of it.And I won't.I owe Alex that much.

Because when Michael holds me in my arms, it feels like I'm finally coming home.


	5. Here With Me

I've spent most of my life hiding who I really am

Here With Me

Disclaimer:They're not mine.I'm not that lucky.So don't sue me.That would make me very sad, and then I wouldn't write anymore, and no one would benefit.

Author's Note:Part five of the 'Lost' Series.Michael's POV.Send me feedback – pretty please?

I've spent most of my life hiding who I really am.

Hell, I've spent most of my life hiding, period.

From day one, when I came out of the pod, I hid from Isabel and Maxwell.I knew they were looking for me, that they wanted me with them, but I was too scared to go to them.

And then, because I was scared, because I waited to long, I watched them climb into the backseat of a car and drive away without me.And I was sent into foster home hell.

It really was hell.My own personal hell.For three years, I simply existed, as I was shuttled on an endless stream of foster homes, each one a little worse than the last.Maybe that's why I am the way I am.Closed off and scared, I mean.I knew I was different, right from the beginning, but I didn't know then what I know now.I didn't know why.Knowledge came with meeting the only two people in the world like me.

Max and Izzy.I always wanted what they had.But I never wished that they were in my place, instead of me.They wouldn't be the people they are today if they'd lived through my hell.Max and Izzy went to sleep every night in their own beds, with a kiss from their mom and a hug from their dad.And that's a good thing.It just wasn't something I could ever share.

I never knew where I'd be sleeping.And when I did sleep, I'd be scared to wake up.

With Hank, it was the worst.But he was the only one I wanted to stay with, because that way, I could be close to the only family I knew.The only people I loved.The only people who loved me.

Hank would have bad days and horrible days.The bad days were the ones when he'd pick up a six-pack on the way home and pass out before he saw me.The horrible ones were the days when he'd hit me.Those were the days he'd tell me that I was worthless, that no one would be stupid enough to ever love me.

I use to think that everything would be okay if I only knew which kind of day it would be when I woke up.But I didn't, and wondering would keep me awake most of the night.The only nights I ever slept were the ones I spent on Max's floor or curled up on the end of Izzy's bed.

Exhaustion, fear…it all led to incredible anger.I lost myself in the anger.The anger made me forget how scared I am.When the blood was pounding in my ears as I picked a fight with someone – a fight I knew I could never win – I didn't have to wonder about what Hank would do to me when I got home.

For me, my fear went away when I was angry.I still have a tendency to jump into things without thinking.That just about sums up the reason I do most of the things I do.I'm scared.

What am I scared of?Everything.That someone will figure out I'm an alien and they'll lock me up and cut me open and try and figure out what makes me tick.That Hank is right, and I'm worthless.That I won't find out the truth about who I am.That Maria will stop loving me someday.

I pushed her away.I hurt her, all because I was scared that she'd hurt me.So I hurt her first.I said it was because I was an alien, that it was because I was scared I would hurt her, but we both knew that was crap.

The truth is, I love her.

I've always loved her, for as long as I can remember.When she found out the truth, and Izzy was freaking out that she'd tell Valenti, I wasn't worried.I knew we could trust her, even then.I knew she'd help us.

I don't know how I knew.I didn't know her, not then.But I believed in her.I needed to trust her, more than I've ever needed anything else in my life.And the amazing thing is – she's still here with me.

Before Maria, the most important girl in my life was Isabel.She's my best friend, my sister in my heart, and my substitute mother.She healed my banged up knees when I was little.She looked up at the stars with me when I wondered where we came from.She hugged me and told me it was going to be all right when I was scared.

And now she's hurting.And I can't make it better.

Maria tried to make her snap out of it.I told her it wasn't going to work.I know.Because Isabel loved Alex, in her own way, just as much as I love Maria.Izzy's going through the hell I imagine in my worst nightmares.The hell I visit, late at night, when I think that Maria could get hurt, just because she knows me, and I can't do anything to save her.

After we left, Maria asked me why I didn't try and shake Isabel out of it.I didn't for the same reason that Max won't.Because she's got to deal with it like that, the only way she can say goodbye to Alex and stay sane.

If it was Maria, I couldn't do it.I couldn't go on without her in my life.

I need her.I need to see her beautiful little pixie face every morning.I need to wake up with her blonde curls falling all over my pillow and her legs tangled up in my sheets.I need to see her smile at me before I go to bed each night.I need to kiss her until we're the only two people in the world and nothing else matters but us.

I need her more than I've ever needed anything or anyone before.

Stonewall Guerin?Ha.She broke down my walls the first time she smiled at me like they were made of glass.And I wouldn't want it any other way.

In those last few minutes, when I watched Max prepare the Granolith, I could feel my heart shattering into tiny pieces.It felt like I was dying inside.And that's when I realized that I could never leave her, not even to go home.

The truth is, she's my home.When I'm in her arms, I feel like I belong.When she's here with me, nothing else matters.I feel safe.She makes my world make sense.

When did I turn into Max?

It doesn't matter.She's the one that I want, the one that I choose.Destiny be damned.I don't love Isabel like that, and I never will.Maria DeLuca is the only woman I'll ever want.The only woman that I'll ever love.

I know it doesn't seem like it to the rest of the world, but I really do love her.I know I pick fights with her, but I only do it because she gets so cute when she's mad.Her nose scrunches up and her cheeks get pink and she looks alive.

Maria's a vibrator.So am I.That's why we work so well together.

And making up is even better than the fight.

The first time I kissed her, I told her it was because I wanted to calm her down.That was a lie.I did it because it was the one thing I've wanted to do since the first time I saw her, when she was a little girl.She was so cute back then – almost as cute as she is now – with all that blonde hair and sparkling green eyes.

She doesn't know it, but I can get lost in her eyes.

I was lost until I kissed her.That first kiss…I found my way home.I never would have believed that one tiny woman could be my home.

She doesn't know it, but I gave her my heart after that first kiss. 

I could no more leave her than I could cut out my heart and expect it to keep on beating.

I shut her out sometimes.I know that hurts her more than she can say.My defence?I want to keep from hurting her even more.

But not being with her hurts too much.I tried to fight it, but no matter how many times I tried to push her away, no matter how many times I told myself that she was better off without me, I couldn't do it.It sounds corny, I know, but Maria Deluca is the keeper of my heart.

And then when Alex died, it all became clear.Maria is my world.I don't ever want to be without her.

When she cried, when she clung to me in the days after Alex's death, I have to admit that my thoughts weren't for Alex.They were kind of selfish, and probably really wrong, but I just kept hoping that it wouldn't be me that makes Maria cry like that again.I mean, it's entirely possible that something could happen to me one of these days, be it the FBI, our enemies, or even just a freak accident. 

I watched her, when Alex died.The spunky, sassy girl I fell in love with went away.The fire went out of her beautiful eyes.I don't ever want her hurt like that again.I don't want her to be hurt the way Izzy's hurting right now.

All this pain, all this suffering.All because of Tess.

Why didn't I see through her?That's my job, to protect Max and Isabel. But apparently, I'm not too good at all that.If it wasn't for Maria and Liz, Max and Isabel might be dead right now.

Maria's curled up in my arms.She's sleeping, and I know I have to wake her up soon so she can sneak back into her room before Amy wakes up and finds out she's gone, but I just want to watch her for a little while longer.She looks so peaceful when she sleeps.

That's what I want to bring her.Peace.She helped me heal the night I ran to her, that last night with Hank.I hope I can bring her as much peace as she gives me.

Her life hasn't been easy.She still misses her father just as much as she hates him for leaving.I can't understand why any man would leave the pixie laying in my arms.Couldn't he see how wonderful she is?Was he that blind?That stupid?

Maria once told me, on the anniversary of the day he left, that she would kick his ass if he ever showed his face again, for hurting her mom.

She won't have to.I'll kick his ass for hurting the woman I love.

I love her.It amazes me, every time I think it, even.And she loves me.I never really believed that anyone, except Isabel and Max, would love me, and they only would because they had to, because I was family.But she does.Despite all my problems.Despite my stonewall.She loves me.

Whoever would've thought that an alien would find his home was Earth.After all my years of running, of trying to find my way home, of trying to find myself, and my home was with her, all along.

I want to spend the rest of my life with her.She doesn't know it, not yet, but I'm going to ask her to marry me, someday.I want to have kids with her, someday.And I'm going to be the best father and husband on this planet.Much better than her father.And certainly better than Hank.

The first time we made love, it was a goodbye, even if she didn't know it yet.I know it was probably wrong of me, to make love to her without telling her that I was leaving, but I couldn't stop myself.I just wanted one night, one more memory, to hold on to when I left her. 

Thank god I didn't leave.Thank god I was smart enough to know how much she means to me.

The first time we made love was a goodbye.I swear that from now on, every other time we make love, it will be a hello.An 'I love you.'Because I'm never going to leave her.

If I did, I think Alex would haunt me.I'm pretty sure Liz would beat me up.And Amy DeLuca would come after me with more than a newspaper.

I'm going to do things right with her, this time.I'm going to treat Maria like the princess she is, and I'm going to love her the way she deserves to be loved.I'm going to love her with my whole heart and keep her here with me, where she belongs.

I'm going to take care of my friends.Protect them better.I'll never let Tess, or anyone else, hurt them again.

And I'm going to help Izzy.I'll give her as much time as she needs, but then I'm going to make her live again.She's lost right now, and I swear I'm going to find her and make her smile again.

I'll do everything right this time, now that I've been given this second chance.I'm going to love Maria and keep her here with me forever.


	6. Breathe

I think I've forgotten how to breathe in the past six days

Breathe 

** **

Disclaimer:Not mine.They belong to Jason Katims, Melinda Metz, the WB/UPN.

Author's Note:Part Six in the 'Lost' series.Kyle's POV.And, as usual, feedback will keep me going!

I think I've forgotten how to breathe in the past six days.

Six days.144 hours.8640 minutes.518,400 seconds.

A lifetime.

I wonder if I'll always have this countdown in my head.I can't block it out, no matter how hard I try.

Sometimes I think it's a curse, a consequence of remembering.You know what they say.Ignorance is bliss.

But other times, I think it's a blessing.It makes me face reality.It makes me accept that this is real.That the girl I loved like a sister killed my best friend and made me carry his body.

I just have a couple of questions.Questions that keep me up at night.Questions that run through my head during the day like a mantra.Questions that no one left on Earth can answer.My answers are jetting towards the Planet of the Apes right now.

Why didn't she kill me, too?Why did she kill him at all?Why did she do this?Why did she leave me?Why wasn't I enough for her?

Why, why, why?Dammit!

The really sick thing about it all is that I still love her.Even after all she's done.How twisted am I?But she can't be evil, right?She is still the girl that made Christmas dinner and ate the last box of cookies while studying for her French exam and spent hours in the bathroom every morning, right?Because that girl, the girl I know, the girl I love - my sister - isn't the girl that did all of this.She isn't the girl that caused all of this heartache.

The person who did this is a monster.The Tess I know is a funny, misunderstood, kinda kooky girl.Sure, she's so messed up sometimes that her problems have problems, but she's not psychotic.She's just a lost little girl, just like the rest of us.

And maybe I'm the delusional one.I know what she did.Hell, I saw her do it.I heard her admit it.So why can't I accept it?

Dad.He just wanders around the house like a lost little kid.Like he's got nowhere to go and nothing to do.He's aged ten years in the last six days.He looks broken.

I heard him muttering, last night, after he finished off a bottle of scotch.Hate to tell you, Dad, but alcohol doesn't work. It doesn't make you forget.I should know.I already tried it.It doesn't drown out her voice or block out her face or stop the questions from running through my mind.

Nothing can do that.

Anyway, he kept talking.At first, I was confused, but then I realized that he was having this strange conversation with Tess, like she was sitting across the kitchen table from him.That freaked me out, a lot.Dad's supposed to be the adult, the stable one.The one with all the answers.

But Dad doesn't have any more answers than I do.He's just as lost as the rest of us.

Last night, in his drunken haze, he kept saying stuff like, "I was almost your father, too, Tess.You were like the daughter I never knew I wanted.How could you hurt me like this?"

Ouch.

Eventually, he passed out on the couch.

Dad told me this morning, when he woke up, that we're gonna sell the house and find something else.He said it was long past time for a change, but we both know the truth.

Neither of us can stand to live here with her ghost.

We had a funeral for her two days ago.I cried.A lot.I didn't think I would, but I did.Funny thing is, even I don't know why I was crying – or for whom.Tess?Alex? Me?

Maria told me to get over it.That Tess wasn't worth it.I just stared at her.Didn't she know that Tess meant everything to me?That she still does, sometimes?

Then she told me to remember to breathe, to remember to keep moving forward.She said it was what Liz told her to do, right after Alex died.

Good advice.Too bad it won't work.

As far as the rest of the world knows, she died in a car accident.Lost control of her boyfriend's jeep and went careening off a cliff.Yet another motor-vehicle tragedy to hit Roswell in the last few weeks.

I heard some human interest group that wants better roads or something is planning to use Tess and Alex as examples to champion their cause.

It's the kind of irony that'd make Alanis green with envy.

The King of the Pod People dragged the rest of the posse there, except Isabel, of course.They put on a good show, but no one looked as sad as they did at Alex's funeral.Except maybe me and Dad.

Isabel.If I thought I was taking the whole thing hard, I'm having a day at the circus compared to her.I mean, the girl has sat wherever Max has dragged her for the past six days and done nothing.I mean that literally.She hasn't said a word, eaten a mouthful, showered, changed – nothing.She just stares off into space and cries occasionally.

Max and Michael are starting to get seriously worried.Apparently, she won't let them connect to her or something.They thought she was just grieving or dealing or something, but now they're freaked.

Welcome to my world.

Seriously, though, I'm not surprised they're taking hissy fits.She's just a shell.It like she's lost in her own head.She looks the way I think I'd look if I wasn't so damn confused.There's too much going on in my head for me to stay in there like she is.Hell, I'm doing my damnedest to get out of my head.

Isabel wouldn't have even gotten away with it for this long, except her parents had to go out of town on some business trip that couldn't be delayed and the school decided to close for a week out of respect for Tess and Alex.So, as far as the outside world knows, she's just deep in mourning for her boyfriend and her best friend.

Ha.

Time is running out, though, so the king has decreed we've got to do something.

Only problem is, our fearless leader doesn't have clue one about how to lead.His favourite game is what I call 'let's wait and see.'It drives me nuts – it I ran my football team the way he runs us, we'd be lucky if we managed to _find_ the ball, let alone _throw_ it.

Latest instalment of the game is what I've nicknamed, 'watch Isabel vegetate.'Over the last two days, ever since they tried to snap her out of it and couldn't, someone's been with her every minute, watching to see if her head starts spinning around or something, I guess.It's my turn now, and I'm sitting in her desk chair, staring at her.She's sitting on her bed, staring at nothing.

I figured it was a waste of time.She'll come out of it when she's good and ready.Isabel doesn't do anything except on her own terms.I admire that about her.And quite frankly, I secretly think she's better off right now in this waking coma.At least she doesn't have to deal with reality.Because right now, reality bites the big one.

She's not going to snap out of it until she wants to.

She snapped.

Literally.

She started screaming.Out of nowhere.Like a banshee from hell.Max and Michael and the rest of the gang charged in, and I left.She's in good hands.They can do more for her than I can.Hell, I can't even help myself, let alone her.

I sure couldn't help Tess.And Alex?I dragged his _body_ out to the car.I'm real sure that was a _big_ help.Thanks, sis.

I went to Alex's grave.I've found myself here a lot over the last couple of days.I don't know why.I don't even know how I get here.I just walk, and somehow, this is where I end up, every time.

I'm lost right now, and I don't know where to turn.Not to King Max or Guerin - no offence, but they're the last two people I wanna see anytime soon.Not to Liz or Maria - they disliked her from the beginning, they despise her now, and they would be throwing a party celebrating her demise if it wasn't so tasteless.Not to Dad – he's got enough problems of his own.If things were different, I'd go to Alex or Isabel.But Alex can't help me anymore.He can't help anyone anymore.And Isabel's kinda preoccupied right now.

Sick thing is, Tess is the person I'd normally tell all my problems to.

So what do I do when she's the problem?

She was my family.The family I've wanted for years, ever since my mom left me and Dad and never came back.Tess, the girl from outer space, made us a family again.She gave us Christmas, and decorated the tree whose only use before was to dry my socks.She brought food into the house and threw out the delivery menus.She got us addicted to Tabasco sauce and she made us eat with silverware instead of plastic forks and knives.She pranced around the kitchen table and made us get her a chair and hung photographs.

And she killed Alex.

That's what I don't get.How does Tess, my sister for all intents and purposes, go from baking Tabasco-laced brownies to zapping Alex's mind out of his skull?How does she go from professing her eternal love for Max to tricking him into getting her pregnant?How does she go from being the girl who just wanted to be accepted to plotting to deliver them all to their worst enemy?

Buddha's not helping me with this one.I can meditate until the cows come home, and it still won't do me any good.My peace of mind left this solar system the same time I remembered seeing Alex sobbing, begging her to stop hurting him.

I'm afraid to go into my room.Silly, right?I mean, it was _my_ bedroom for sixteen years, and only _hers_ for the last eight months or so.Besides, Dad went in there with some boxes and garbage bags and cleaned out all her stuff.It's like she never even existed.Like she's just a bad dream that'll fade when I wake up.

But I'm not waking up.And I'm still terrified to open that door.

Because I know, if I do, I will lose it, completely.

I remember a time, not too long ago, that I thought my grandpa was off the deep end, just like everyone else who believed in aliens.I remember a time that I laughed at all the alien memorabilia around town with my football buddies.I remember a time when there wasn't an intergalactic crisis every couple of days.

I miss the old days.

But you can't turn back time, I guess, and even after all that's happened, I don't know if I'd really want to, if I was given the chance.

If I turned back time, I wouldn't have known her.Even after all she's done, no matter how much I hate her right now, I'm still happy that I knew her.

I hate strawberries.They remind me of her.That's how she smelled, like strawberries.I used to tease her about that, because she always used strawberry shampoo and bath bubbles.She'd always threaten to steal all of the soap in the house so I'd have to use it, too.I never want to see another strawberry as long as I live.

I'd sell my soul to the devil if it meant I could breathe in her scent again.Strawberries, Tabasco, and Tess.

'Breathe, Kyle,' I remind myself.That's how twisted I am right now.Half the time I want her back, and the rest of the time I'm ready to purge the world of all of its strawberry patches.

That's what I do.My mind keeps turning over things.I hate her one minute and want her back the next.

I threw out all the Tabasco that was in the house this morning.I poured it down the sink and washed it away and smashed the bottles into tiny pieces.Twenty bottles.I gave her a year's supply last Christmas, as a gift, and that's all that was left, five months later.

I want a Tabasco and peanut butter sandwich.

When I found out she was pregnant, I was pissed.Pissed because Max knocked her up.Of course I blamed him.Hell, I still half hate him, sometimes.And I was excited.I thought she'd be a great mom, the kind of mom neither of us had and both of us wanted.I couldn't wait to see her with a baby.She told me I'd be Uncle Kyle.

Then I found out she was leaving.That the baby couldn't live on Earth.That I was losing my almost-sister and my almost-nephew in one shot.I went back to being pissed, but added sadness to the mix.

And that's when the shit hit the proverbial fan.

When Liz and Maria came charging in and told me I'd been mind-warped, I said something stupid, like "I'd remember if I was mind-warped."

What I really meant was, "Tess would never do that to me."

Then I remembered.

Now I wish I could forget.

Maybe the mind-warp was a blessing.Her last gift to me.A chance to be oblivious.A chance to forget the pain.

And maybe she was the cold-hearted bitch that Maria and Liz say she is.

I'm lost without her, and I don't know how to find my way home.I don't know who I am or why I'm still here.I don't know who she is.

I don't know anything anymore.I don't think I wanna know.

All I know is that I have to breathe.


	7. My Little Girl

My son thinks I've finally lost it

My Little Girl 

Disclaimer:Roswell's not mine, but if someone wanted to give it to me, I certainly wouldn't object…

Author's Note: Part seven in my 'Lost' series.Written in Jim's POV, takes place six days after "Departure."And, as always, I LOVE feedback.

My son thinks I've finally lost it.That I've gone off the deep end.He tip-toes around the house and pretends he doesn't notice the empty liquor bottles in the front porch.His head pops out of doorways if I so much as knock a pencil off the table.He's hidden my gun collection.

Sometimes, in my saner moments, I wonder if he's right.I don't think so, not really.Temporarily insane, maybe, but nothing permanent – I hope.Most of the time, though, I just fall into our usual pattern and pretend I don't notice what he's doing.

But I do notice.I always have, and I always will.As hard as it is for him to believe sometimes, I love him more than anything else in this world.Hell, my son is the only thing I've ever done right – even though I've come pretty close to destroying both of us on occasion.

Kyle thinks I care more about Max Evans than I do about him.That's crap.My son is my number-one priority.Even when I'm pushing him away to keep him safe, he's always in my mind.I'd be lost without him.

Just like we've lost Tess.

The night after she left, I drove out into the desert and stared up at the sky.There were millions of stars sparkling down at me, and I could easily pick out the V-shaped constellation she showed me one night last winter, the stars that was her home, once upon a time.The stars that will be her home from now on.

I stared up at the sky for hours that night, and even more in the nights since.I wonder where she is, up there.I wonder if she's found her real family, her real home.I wonder if she's happy. 

I wonder if she misses us as much as we miss her.

It's tearing me up inside to see Kyle like this.He looks broken, beaten, defeated.I'm worried about him.What happened to the happy little boy who wanted to play catch with me in the backyard?Who met me in the driveway when I came home from work every night?I haven't seen him in a long time, and it's my own fault.

My son's become a man in the last two years, and I was too busy and too stupid to see most of it.I'm proud of the man he's become.I just wish I had spent more time with the boy he was.

I thought I was proud of the woman the girl I thought of as my daughter had become.Guess I was wrong.

I never thought I wanted a daughter.But then Tess came to live with us.She made us a family again.She helped me find the woman I love.She brought me joy and tears, just as my son has.When she came, I began to have images in my head of a young Kyle playing with a little blonde girl.I remember wishing they had grown up together, that I had seen all of their firsts.She made me realize how important my family is to me.My son is my pride and joy.I might act tough, but my daughter would've been daddy's little girl, I just know it.Tess almost was.

Nobody knows – not even Tess or Kyle – but I went to see Philip Evans a few days after Alex died.Seeing that boy, lying there, dead…it made me realize how important it is to show the people in your life how much they mean to you.They could be gone in an instant.I even remember thinking, 'It could've been my kids.It could've been Kyle or Tess.'That's what made me go to see Phil Evans.I asked him to start the adoption process.I wanted Tess to be my little girl.

Maybe it would've been different if I had told her.Maybe it would've been different if she'd known she had a family that loved her.

I use to be the sheriff.I like to think I was a good one.I always made a point to know everything that happened in this town.Hell, I even figured out that my father wasn't a kook, that aliens were in my kid's gym class.So how did I miss the fact that my daughter murdered someone in this very house?

Tess.I thought she was your ordinary, misunderstood, normal – albeit alien – teenager.Sure she was troubled – she was raised by a murdering, shape-shifting maniac who thought humans were worthless toys, after all – but it never even crossed my mind that Nasedo might've taught her a trick or two.That growing up with that thing as her only influence might've permanently warped her mind.That she was as insane as my son now fears I am.I'd have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to know a murderer was living under my roof, right?

Apparently not.

I like to think I'm a good father.The kind of father I never had.The kind of father who knows what's happening in his children's lives.I'm probably kidding myself.But I do love my kids.The weekend they went missing, I nearly went out of my mind with worry.For all I knew, the skins were back and had taken them hostage.When I found out they'd skipped school and taken off for a weekend of fun in Vegas, I was ready to strangle them, I was so relieved that they were safe.I thought I'd lost them.

Max and I set it up to look like she lost control of the jeep and died in a tragic accident.We held a funeral, scattered ashes in the desert…and we cried.Kyle and I.To the rest of the world, she's dead, but to us…she's alive, and the pain from her betrayal eats away at us, just as much as we wish she was still here.She was part of my family, and I love her, no matter what she did.I don't _like_ her, I may even hate her sometimes, but I _do_ love her.And I always will.Because I'm her father, and that's what fathers do.Love their kids no matter what they do.Unconditionally.

It seems incomprehensible, doesn't it?That one small girl could cause so much damage?Destroy so many lives?

We're moving, Kyle and I.Every place I look in this house reminds me of her.I stand in the kitchen and stare at the chair she sat in, the chair we got just for her.I can almost see her, grinning at me, teasing Kyle.I sit on the couch and listen.I can almost hear her laughter.I lay down on my bed and I think.I remember her.

Her spirit is lurking here, teasing me, talking to me, making me see her everywhere I turn.

The day after the funeral, I went into her room – _Kyle's room – and cleared out all her things.I even stripped the blankets off the bed and tossed them in the trash.I smashed the mirror in a moment of fury.Or anguish.I'm not really sure which, and I don't care all that much.I don't think Kyle knows that I got rid of her things yet, though.He hasn't even tried to go in there.Not that I blame him.I don't want to go in there, either._

But I'm drawn there, no matter how much I try to stay away.I sit on the bed that I bought for my son when he was three years old and I stare at the spot where I stood when she called me Dad for the first and last time.When she said that, I felt this spark run though me.This spark of acceptance, of pure love for the little girl that came into our lives and turned them upside down.My heart actually skipped a beat.It was kind of like how I felt the first time Kyle said 'da-da,' all those years ago.It was like I'd found a piece of me that I'd never known I'd lost.The little girl that became my daughter and gave me back my son called me dad.No word had ever sounded sweeter to me.When she said she thought it sounded too weird, I was crushed, but of course, I didn't tell her that.

I wish I had.Maybe it would've made a difference.Maybe it wasn't too late.

Amy keeps telling me that I'm okay, that everything's going to be fine.I wish I could tell her that nothing's ever going to be okay again.I wish I could tell her that I'll never be able to look Gloria Whitman in the eye again, knowing what my daughter did to her son.I wish I could tell her that Phil and Diane Evans don't know how lucky they are to still have their children.I wish I could tell her that her daughter's dating an alien and that _my daughter was an alien, too._

But I can't tell her any of that.I don't even try.I just hold her and let her take the shakes away.I just lose myself in her body and her eyes.When I'm in her arms, I feel like there will be a tomorrow.

Amy and Kyle are my only reasons to be here right now.I feel like I'm wandering around in a daze, that I've lost touch with reality.Sometimes, I think this is all a dream, that Isabel Evans is playing a cruel trick on me and locking me in a dream world.That this has all just been a nightmare.That someone's going to scream "April Fools!" any minute.

But it's May.April Fool's Day is over.Alex Whitman is dead.And Tess is gone and she's never coming back.

So I try to cope.

I drink a lot.Too much, I know.It doesn't help, but at least I can drink enough to make me pass out.

I haven't really slept since my son told me the truth.Every time I close my eyes, I see springy blonde curls and big blue eyes.

I've come to the conclusion that May is just not a good month for me.Kyle's mother left me in May.Last year, my son was nearly killed and Max Evans was hunted down like an animal by the F.B.I. in May.

Maybe next May, I'll take a vacation.I'll go far, far away – somewhere that's never even heard of aliens.Or else I'll hide under my bed and not poke my nose out until June.

I think I'm going to ask Amy to marry me.She and Kyle are my shining lights, piercing through the darkness to save me.I've been offered a job doing security work, and I'm working on getting my old job back – Phil Evans thinks I've got a case of wrongful dismissal that would hold up in court.Hell, if it would get me my job back, I'd wear a tutu to work every day.But I'm not kidding anyone, not even myself.It's all a part of a plan to keep busy, keep moving, to try and keep my mind off of everything that's happened.To move on, with Amy and Kyle standing next to me.I want to give my son, the woman I love, and her daughter everything they deserve and more.Maybe Amy and I can even have a child of our own someday.Maybe this time I won't screw it all up.

Kyle doesn't think I know how much time he's spending in the cemetery.Of course I know.I'm his father; it's my job to know.I've driven there and sat in my truck and watched him kneel next to the grave.I've cried for him.

My little boy is so lost right now.I wish he was six years old again.I wish I could give him a hug and an ice cream Sunday and make everything all better for him.

But I can't.I can't even help myself.And I obviously couldn't help my little girl.

I feel like I've failed every task set for a parent.Kyle turned out great, but I'm well aware that very little of that is because of me.And Tess?Well, I won't even go there.I'm not even sure how to describe her anymore.

I found a bag of empty Tabasco bottles this morning.Kyle must've gotten rid of them.I don't know if I'll ever be able to eat macaroni and cheese again.It won't taste right unless she's cooked it, covered with Tabasco.

Who would've guessed that Tabasco sauce tastes great in just about everything?

I keep wondering if I should've seen it coming.If there were hints, signs, that it would all lead to this.But as hard as I try, as much as I examine the past eight months, I can't see any.

What happened to her?What made her so twisted?What did that bastard do to my little girl?

I keep remembering that last hug she gave me, out in the desert, when I thought the Alex's death was a suicide and that they were all going to leave.I remember how tiny she felt in my arms.So small, so delicate.So easily broken.I remember giving her an extra squeeze, hoping she knew how much I loved her.And I remember her letting go, and me wishing that I could hold her for just a little while longer.

I knew I'd have to let go of my kids eventually.Every parent knows that the day will come, just as every parent dreads that day.They'd be going off to college next year, anyway, and soon they'd be married with children and lives of their own.So I told myself that letting go a little early shouldn't be that hard.

But it was.Letting her leave the safety of my arms was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.It didn't seem fair.I'd only gotten her for eight lousy months…I should've had more time with my little girl.I wanted it all, what ever dad dreams of for his daughter.I wanted to see her graduate high school, go to college.I wanted to walk her down the aisle and hold my first grandchild in my arms.

I guess it wasn't meant to be. 

I wish I'd brought them to the pod chamber, but Max had insisted that I go home, man the fort, and listen to the police scanner to make sure no one knew anything weird was going on.I figured it was the last thing I'd ever be able to do to help them, so of course I agreed.

Now I regret every last second that I missed with her.

Sometimes, I wonder if she'll come home.I don't think so.It's probably best if she doesn't.

So why do I want to see her face just one more time?Just for a minute?

Tess was going to have a baby of her own.When they told me, I was pissed, like any father whose teenaged daughter tells him she's pregnant would be, but I was also a tiny bit excited.I wouldn't mind having a baby around again.I told her that there would always be a place in our home for her child, and I meant it.I still do.I hope Max succeeds, that he gets his son back one day.I'd like to meet the child I will always think of as my grandson.

Sometimes, in my drunken stupor, I wonder if I could've done something to stop this from happening, or if it was all destined, just like the alien's mission to free their planet.My brain says I couldn't have done anything, but my heart tells me otherwise.

My heart is breaking.For me, for my son…and for my daughter.Because that's what she'll always be, no matter how much trouble she left behind or how much damage she caused.I wish I could've helped her.I wish I could've made everything okay for her.I wish I had more time.

I didn't.But she'll always be my little girl. 


	8. Little King

I'm all alone again

Little King 

Disclaimer:Let's see.What do I own?Roswell?Nope, that belongs to Jason Katims/Melinda Metz/UPN.Do I own anything?No, again.Glad we got that straightened up.

Author's Note:Eighth instalment of the 'Lost Series.'Tess' POV – please note that while this is my interpretation of why she did what she did, I could be totally off base.So, let me know what you think.

I'm alone again.

I've been alone for an entire week.No one's here to talk to me.No one's here to hold my hand.

Where did everyone go?

No, wait, I'm not alone.And I'll never be alone again.I've got you, don't I, baby?I'll never let you go.

You understand, don't you, honey?You know Mommy had to do it.That I had to kill him.I didn't have any choice.I did it for you, baby.

I'll do anything for you.

We'll be home soon.And then we'll have everything.

I need to think of a name for you, don't I, honey?At first, I thought I'd call you Max, for your Daddy, but I'd never name my beautiful son after that snivelling little worm.

Maybe Alexander?For Alex?But he was pathetic, too, in the end, begging me to stop…I didn't want to do it, baby.I didn't want to kill him.It hurt me just as much as it hurt him.I know you understand, baby.I had to keep us safe.He would have destroyed us.And what's one human compared to us?

Kyle?Or Jim?Two men I respect.

They'll hate me for what I did.I loved them, even if they were humans.They're your family, baby, but they're humans.You have to understand humans.They're kind of like pets.They're so fragile.So easy to manipulate and train.So weak…

Maybe an alien name.Or something human, something totally unique.Something that suits your purpose, baby.I've always liked Ryan.It means 'little king.'

That's what you are, baby.Little king.I'm going to raise you properly.I'mgoing to make you proud.You won't be weak like your father.You'll never leave me.

I want Tabasco sauce.That's what I regret the most about leaving, baby.That you'll never know how wonderful it tastes as it drips over your tongue and slides down your throat.

I miss them.Isabel…we could've been friends, if only she would've listened to me.Michael…we're the most alike, baby, he and I…always a little bit separate.And your Daddy, Max…it all would've been different if he just accepted it, if he'd been the man he was supposed to be.I didn't like any of them, not really.So why do I miss them?Isn't that funny, my little king?They never wanted me around, not really.I was always just a means to an end with them, wasn't I, baby.We sure showed them, didn't we?

They'll regret ignoring me.

Weak.Weak, pathetic little humans.That's all they are, now.What happened to their greatness?What happened to their power, their strength – it vibrated off every fibre of their being, once upon a time.What happened to the man I knew, the man I loved?He had that power, that strength.He had a world at his feet.

Hell, he had five worlds at his feet, and he damned well knew it.That's what made _him _so fucking desirable.He had power and he knew how to use it.He knew how to get what he wanted.Too bad he forgot that.

So who cares if he didn't want me?Who cares if he never loved me?Then or now?

He had his little affairs, back then, I know.Just like that bitch Liz.I'd come in and find them tangled up in our bed, all sweaty and hot and bothered.But I would do what was expected.I'd leave and not say a word.

Meek little mouse.Perfect little wife.Trophy queen.

But not anymore.Never again.I'm better than him, than all of them.I have the power now, and so do you, my little king.I know the truth, and they're just stumbling around in the dark, chasing their own shadows.Idiots.

If they had only done like I said, they would've been the people they were born to be.A King.A Princess.A Warrior.

Oh, no.The humans were more important.They didn't care what we were or what we were destined to be again.

And they left me.They made me that weak, pathetic, little mouse that I hate so much.

I swore that I would never be that girl again.I despised her.I swore that I would fight for what was mine.And I have.I do what I have to do.

Your father was mine, little king, and that bitch stole him away from me.Just like all the other little tramps that threw themselves on him.They can sense it, little king.The power, the strength, that's within him.

Too bad he couldn't embrace the power.Loser.

Even when he was with me, I never touched his heart.He could sleep with me, use my body, but he could never look me in the eye.

What he did the night you were conceived, baby, was worse than anything he ever did to me during our marriage.He had sex with me and pretended I was her.

That bitch!That tramp!That human!How could he want her?She's nobody.She's nothing.I'm his _wife_.I'm having his _child_._We're_ supposed to be the centre of his world _not_ that slutty little bitch Liz Parker.

If he had come to me, loved me, the way he was supposed to, maybe none of it would've happened.If she hadn't given me hope after I had finally moved on with Kyle, maybe I could've ignored my promise to Nasedo.

But no.He didn't want me, but no one else could have me either.No, I had to be waiting in the wings, panting to get into his pants, stroking his ego.Bastard.

Kyle.He hates me, now.I really did love him, baby, even if he was one of those wretched humans that stole my life from me.But Kyle…he was different.He reminded me of me.On the outside looking in.He was just as lost as I am, my little king.

Lost little Tess.How sad, I bet they'd say, all the while laughing behind their backs.They don't know.None of them know.

But you do, don't you, my little king?You know that I did what I had to do.You know how it was for me, growing up.I swear you'll never live like that.

I swore I'd never be weak again, after I began my new life as a human.I wouldn't need anyone or anything.I'd be happy, this time.I'd be free.

Guess it wasn't meant to be.

Nasedo made me weak.Nasedo made me scared.Nasedo made me a prisoner in my own head.

He did things to me, things too sick to do to any child.He locked me in closets and denied me food and water, except when it was absolutely necessary.He hit me and told me I was bad, for not keeping the others with me.Bad for trying to fight him.

I'm weak, little king.I stopped fighting.

The person I wanted to be was lost forever.And I don't think she's ever coming back.

He told me the only way I could be good again was to make it up to Kivar.He told me the only way I could survive was to take the deal.He told me I'd have everything I ever wanted if I did it.

For a while, when I found Max and the others, I thought I could be good, that the person I wanted to be had been found.I thought I could be free and happy and strong.

But they didn't want me either.

Didn't they know I didn't want the destiny Nasedo told me about?Didn't they know how much I just wanted to be with my family?Didn't they know I wanted to be happy, to be free?

They didn't.And every time I began to feel wanted, needed, someone would slam the door shut.And I would be that lost little girl again.

I began to hate them, little king.I didn't want to, but I did.When Nasedo died, I thought it was possible, that I could be free.But he haunts me, baby.

Then the Skins started showing up.And all hell broke loose.

The whole time, the only bright, shining light in my life was Kyle and Jim.They took me in, made me feel connected to something.They wanted me.

Nicholas.He wanted me to do this, little king.And Whittaker.Told me to do my duty.What I was born to do.

She hurt me.Me!She should grovel at my feet…

She called me crazy.I'm not crazy.Only crazy people are crazy.You're not crazy if you can say you're not crazy.

There's more than one of me.I don't like one of the others.She fights me and tells me to go away.She's crazy.

But I can't tell her that.Then she'd kill me.

So I do what she wants, and I'll get what I want.Power.Glory.Worship.

I'm scared.I'm tired.I'm split into pieces, baby.There's the girl I want to be, the girl I dreamt of being, the girl I thought I'd lost long ago, the girl that calls Jim 'Dad' and Kyle 'everything.'She's Tess.Or she was.She's the girl who wanted Max, Isabel and Michael to love her, to be her family.She's the girl who cooks Christmas dinners and wants a chair of her own.She's the girl who hates the word destiny and fights to be heard.

That girl is silent.I think she's lost forever.I haven't seen her in a long time.I miss her.

There's the girl that Nasedo created.The girl who craves revenge and power, needs it, more than the air she breathes.She's Ava.She's the girl who hates Max for rejecting her.She's the girl who wants to hurt them as much as they've hurt her.She's the girl who is willing to sacrifice them – sacrifice everything - and accept Nasedo's deal.

That girl is loud and strong.That girl kills on a whim and demands respect or death.I hate that girl.I can't fight her, not anymore.She wins.Game over.

And then there's me.I don't have a name.I don't exist anymore.Maybe I never did.But I'm the girl you'll call 'Mommy' in a few weeks, my little king.I'm the girl that loves you and your daddy.I'm the girl who tries to balance the other two.

I failed.

I'm not strong, little king.I just want you to know that I'll always love you, no matter what I say and do.

It's so cold here.Why is it so cold?

Max is talking to me.I'm sorry, Max.I love you.I didn't mean to kill him.I didn't want to do it.Don't you know that?Don't you know how much you mean to me?I had to kill him, or he would've taken you away from me.Him and that little tramp you drool after.

Why didn't you ever look at me that way?

Max? Where did you go?Why can't I see the sky?Why is it so quiet?

Little king?Are you there?Where are we?Why is it so dark?I don't want to be alone.

I think I'm lost, baby, lost just like Tess.Lost forever.I'll always love you, little king.


	9. Live

I watch her as she cries

Live 

Disclaimer:Roswell, the characters, and situations are the property of Jason Katims, the UPN and the WB – I just get to take them to the circus from time to time.This is the result – I promise I'll bring them back…

Author's Note: This is the final part of my "Lost" series and is written in Alex's POV.Sorry it took me so long to complete – huge case of writer's block.As always, I crave feedback.

Distribution: Ask and ye shall receive.Just tell me where it's going.

I watch her as she cries.I sing to her and whisper soft words of comfort and stroke her hair.It kills me that she's in so much pain.

It hurts even more to know that I'm the reason she's crying.

I love her, even here.

She thinks I'm a dream, the product of an overactive imagination, but the truth is, I'm still with her.I'll always be with her.I'm lost without her.

For me, the only definition of 'happiness' that I'll ever have is long blonde hair and big brown eyes.Joy is when she smiles.Pure bliss is when she wraps her arms around me.Heaven is when she kisses me.

I would die all over again if I could take away her pain.

It's true, what I told her, that night in the cemetery.Your heart is still your heart, and your soul is still your soul, always.

She is my heart and my soul.I gave them to her the first time I saw her.

Before I met her, I was lost.I don't know how or why, though – I mean, I had a home, a family, and the two best friends a guy could ever ask for.So how could I be lost?

But when I saw her, my mind went blank.All I could see was her.All I ever wanted to see was her.Nothing else mattered except her.

It kills me that we'll never get to spend our life together.I truly believe that we were just as meant to be as Max and Liz, Michael and Maria.We just had to find our own way, in our own time.I always knew it would happen eventually.

We found it, that night at the prom.When we danced, I saw the future in her eyes.I know that sounds silly and romantic – something like Max would say – but I truly did.I saw our wedding day, with Isabel wearing the most beautiful dress I have ever seen.I saw our son – with my hair and her eyes, and our little girl – the image of her mother.The image of beauty personified.

I wish I could've known those children.I don't even know their names, but I know that they should've existed.I've thought a lot, in the last few weeks – what else do I have to do? – and I decided that we would've named our son Philip Alexander and our daughter Chelsea Diane.I don't know why I chose those names; it just seemed right, somehow.

But those children will never be born.I will never get to see Izzy, pregnant with our baby, eating sardine and peanut butter sandwiches.I will never get to see our son take his first step or help our daughter tie her shoes.All of that was stolen from me.From us.We will never get to live the life we should have.

By Tess.

Those last few minutes…they were terrifying, confusing.I felt empty, detached.Like I had already lost my ties to the world.I knew what was going to happen, and I knew I couldn't stop it.I always thought I'd be scared before I died.I was.But the funny thing is, I wasn't scared for myself.I was scared for Izzy.I knew what it would do to her.

It's been a week since she found out the truth about Tess, and she is slowly willing herself to die.

I won't let her.

I would like nothing more to spend eternity with her in my arms.But the years will pass, quickly enough, and she will be with me again, eventually.And until then, until we're reunited again, I'll wait.I'll watch over her and love her, the way I always have.There will be other loves for her, I know, and maybe even other children, but we both know that a little piece of her heart will always be here with me.With what could have been.

I hate it when she cries.I know she doesn't think she can go on without me, but I know her better than she knows herself.I know how guilty she still feels because of who she was.And I know how lost she feels, immersed in a sea of happy couples.

But I also know that she's stronger than she thinks.

Izzy is destined to do great things.Not that whole you've-gotta-be-with-Michael crap – that would just succeed in making all of the people I love absolutely miserable, especially Izzy.And I'd have to hit Michael again, for hurting Maria.No, what I mean is what she'll do in the world.

She's caring and loving and wonderful.She'll make a difference in the world.She tries so hard to make the people around her happy.She tries to take away the pain of total strangers with her volunteer work.I think maybe that's why she loves Christmas so much.Because Christmas is a season where happiness abounds and miracles are expected.

She's my miracle.

When I was a kid, chasing Maria and Liz around the Crashdown, everything seemed so simple.Everything _was_ so simple, back then.I knew who I was.Alex Whitman, son of Gloria and Charlie, friend of Maria and Liz.Then I grew up, and I lost part of myself.

No, wait, that's not entirely true.I gave away a part of myself – my heart.I lost my heart the moment she kissed me.And I didn't really _lose_ it, per se.I gave it to her, willingly.

I'll never forget that morning.It was probably the single most important moment in my life.It was early, and Max and Liz were missing.She told me to kiss her, so we could generate some information and maybe find them.We didn't find them, but my heart found a permanent home in her.

When she thought she was pregnant, I told her I'd stand by her.I would've claimed the baby as my own.I would've loved any baby of hers, even if I wasn't the baby's father. 

After the prom, we went to the park and stared up at the stars.That's always been a passion of ours.I kissed her, again, and I saw flashes.Flashes of her life – growing up with Max and Michael, helping her mother make a pie, running to greet her father as he arrived home from work.I saw her with her friends, so unhappy and helpless to change anything, and not even sure if she even really wanted to do anything to upset the status quo.And I saw me.I saw me the way she saw me.I didn't matter to her if I wasn't popular or good at sports.Nothing mattered except the way I loved her.I saw her hopes and her fears and her dreams.And I was in all of them.

She let me into her heart, that night.I grinned at her, after we finally broke our kiss, and asked her to dance.There wasn't any music, except in our heads.And when we danced, I saw stars in her eyes.

Stars are beautiful.But they're nothing compared to her, my love – the child of the stars.

I don't hate Tess.I've had a lot of time to think about it, and I don't hate her, not really.At least, not for what she did to me.She's just totally, fundamentally, and utterly fucked up.I was just the sucker that ended up paying for her screwiness.Besides, she'll hurt more for what she did than anything I could accomplish from hating her.Kivar's not a fun guy when he's pissed, I'm told, and somehow, I don't think he'll be throwing a party for his little ingénue who screwed up his master plan.Hell, Tess'll be lucky if he doesn't toss her in the dungeon and throw away the key. 

But I do despise her for what she did to Izzy.She's the one that got the short end of the stick.She's the one who has to keep on living.

I can't bear to watch her cry anymore.So, I talked to her.Told her the truth – that she has to live for me, a long, productive life, filled with other loves, other dreams.And only after she does that can we be reunited.

My little plan didn't go over all that well.I think I might've made some mistake with the words I chose or something.Or maybe it went wrong when I faded away after I told her.I don't really know, and it doesn't really matter.

Because she snapped out of the waking coma she was in, that weird state where all she did was cry.That was good.But what she did next?That was bad.

_Really bad_.

She started screaming.And I'm not talking a few 'oh-my-god-there's-a-spider-in-my-bed' yelps.Not even a couple of hysterical 'my-boyfriend's-dead-but-he's-in-my-head-and-talking-to-me' screams.And certainly not the expected 'that-bitch-my-best-friend-fried-his-brain-and-killed-him' bellows.Nope, not my Izzy.She couldn't do the normal reaction.

Izzy screamed like banshees from hell were nipping at her toes.The stars I always saw in her eyes faded.But the Izzy I knew and loved – headstrong, confident, Isabel – came back in full force.

And she started destroying things.

Tornados have done less damage than Isabel Evans.In mere minutes, her room was in shambles.Michael and Max had to hold her down to keep her from hurting herself.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and I reappeared.I pulled her into my arms and stroked her hair and kissed her forehead.It didn't even matter that there were other people around that saw me.She grew calmer, and neither of us noticed the stunned silence all around us.

_"Alex?"_

_ _

The shocked whisper came from Liz.I looked up at them, and absently noticed that Max had turned pale.Liz was trembling, and the only reason Maria was still upright was because Michael had grabbed her around the waist.

"Hi, guys."

"But…you're dead?"Max's words came as a question, not a statement.

I nodded, still stroking her hair.

"Alex!" Maria screamed, and she and Liz threw themselves at me, jarring Isabel from my arms.She fell back on the bed and whimpered softly."What…How…Why?"

I hugged them both briefly, and then gathered Isabel up and placed her on my lap again.

"I've seen him everywhere," she said so softly that you had to strain to hear her voice."I thought I was going crazy.But if you can see him, too…"

"I'm dead," I told them."But that doesn't mean I'm gone.I'll always be here with you, Izzy, watching over you.You know that.I could never leave you.But you can't see me anymore."

"No…"

"Yes, Izzy."I laid her on the bed and gave her a gentle kiss.It seemed to go on forever."I love you."

"I love you, too…please don't go…"

"Sweetheart, I have to.If I could, I would stay with you forever.I wanted to spend my life with you.I wanted to marry you.We didn't get that chance, Izzy, but we will, someday.And until then, I need you to do something for me."

"Anything."

"I need you to live.I need you to be happy.I need you to love people and let them love you."

"I don't know how to live without you.I don't want to live without you."

"I know you don't.But you have to.I want you to get married and have children and live your life.I need you to do all the things I won't get a chance to do, sweetie.I need you to live life for the both of us.I know it's hard.Will you do it for me?"

"Yes."

Quickly, I kissed her again, knowing it was the last time my lips would touch hers for a long time.I turned to my friends, smiling a little."I love you all, and I'll be watching you guys.Max, Michael – take care of my girls.All of them.If you don't, I'll haunt you or something.Liz, Maria – you're the best friends a guy could ever dream of having.I love you both.Tell Kyle that it's not his fault.I know he's blaming himself, and he shouldn't be.All of you…live.Be happy."

I started fading, and Izzy reached out to me."Do you have to go now?I feel lost when you aren't here.Do you have to leave me?"

I smiled."You know I'll never leave you.Whenever you need me, I'll be right here.I love you."And then I disappeared.I didn't go anywhere, though.I could never leave her.I can only watch her live.


End file.
